Fuck Me

Fuck Me (or how to tell a story in no particular order)

  i. EPILOGUE 

me: I want to know
a friend: you don’t have to know
me: I want to UNDERSTAND

friend: NO.

bottomline teh, tigilan mo na yan.

Tigilan mo na yan

Tigilan mo na yan

Tigilan mo na yan

  one of the first chapters

he texted: I’m in Batangas

he texted: I’ll be in Cebu by then.

lying next to me he said: Nasa Palawan ako nun

(other places)

Mount Banahaw (where he hiked)

Mountains

Lots of mountains

Jack Kerouac,

Jack Kerouac was talking about mountains (in his book “The Big Sur”)

  one of the middle chapters

me: (typing a text to the girl) Did he give you The Big Sur and Freedom (by Jonathan Franzen) (those were my books)

This text was never sent

Never sent.

he showed me two Enchanted Kingdom tickets

handed them to me excitedly, I didn’t know

why,

I put one in my bag.

thought it was for me.

Later he looked for it,

He was not giving it to me at all.

(tangina ka) jerk.

What were the first things he told me?

  Prologue

(first things)

He asked, “Do you smoke?”

“Is it important for you to be right?”

“I don’t like love.

I would rather have romance,”

I say, “Love is gross, ”

he nods admiringly.

I was so proud of myself.

  First chapter

Him: Promise me you won’t fall in love with me.

Him: I hope you’re bad…’cause if you’re good…

If I were good… what? You wouldn’t like me?

For you, I’ll be bad.

We talked about college.

him: (scoffing) Who takes up Nursing?! The word itself, nursing, UGGGH.

I should have stood up for this wonderful vocation.

But who takes up Nursing? (who wants to clean other people’s crap?)

a loser like me.

  one of the middle chapters

me: ( lying next to him feeling like I’ve swallowed a pillow as big as a broken heart) should I stop seeing you?

him: (annoyed) it’s up to you (!)

Right. Of course.

It’s up to me.

  one of the middle chapters

me: you should stop smoking (TOO MUCH)

him: yeah, mom-

Sarcasm can happen

after the sweetest kiss.

  one of the first chapters

me texting him: Do you live alone?

he didn’t answer.

He asked me that question first.

Red flags.

but all I saw were light,

and smoke.

Betting on the way he snatched my coke away from my hand

“It tastes like crap”

It does.

I felt important.

  one of the middle chapters

me: which do you want. my pussy or my mouth?

him: BOTH.

Both.

selfish.

I do what he says. 

  one of the middle chapters

me: (sitting beside him) Do you go hiking?

him: yeah

me: can I join sometime?

Him:

No answer.

  one of the middle chapters

he texted: can you do me a favor? can you buy me cigarettes?

Can you buy me hotdog sandwich?

Can you buy me Walking Dead Season 5?

Can you get me some ice?

I bought all those.

(For you, I’ll be bad)

I texted him: pengeng coffee?

him: come over already.

Couldn’t even offer coffee.

(tangina) jerk.

  one of the middle chapters

me: Where did you graduate?

him: San Beda

Later, I learned it’s FEU.

him talking about his job: hindi naman ako nagko-calls eh, POC lang ako.

I was not even asking,

I did not care.

His insecurities were saying “hi,”.

We went out of the restaurant to the scorching sun.

I opened my umbrella,

“ANG INIT, “

him: malamang

Did not even hold the umbrella

did not even wait for me

I did not care.

(for you I’ll be bad)

Tanga.

Flashback:

He was lying on his sofa under a cloud of cigarrete smoke

him: Promise me you won’t fall in love with me.

me: I like you

him: I do not like myself.

He doesn’t like his AWESOME self?

I was surprised.

But it made sense.

Tanga.

  one of the middle chapters

Take it off.

Take it off.

Take it off.

Make yourself cum.

I did not cum.

  one of the middle chapters

him texting: come over, bring a book.

me at his house: I brought a book, I just don’t know if you will like it.

It was a day or two after his birthday.

me: (handing him “The Big Sur”) Itago mo ah.

He looked insulted. 

I sneaked a marker while he was asleep

 wrote on the flyleaf:

“happy birthday, let’s be friends”

Then signed it with my name.

  one of the middle chapters

The morning after…

him: (preparing food) you drink tea, right?

The night before…

him showing me his place: look here, do you want to play the keyboard?

him showing me his underwater videos: can you spot the sea animal here?

him at the table drinking: where is the moon?

him while we’re walking to his house: actually, I like stars better.  

The morning after…

him:( playing his guitar) This is my favorite Coldplay song

plays and sings

“Trouble”.

  one of the middle chapters

Mahal na mahal kita,

him to Tori Amos.

mahal na mahal kita

at least I heard his lips form these words.

even if they are not for me.

(Tanga.)

He plays Tori Amos, his guitar out of tune.

He mimics a concert announcer.

Like a child at play.

In black shirt.

A very happy child.

I cannot take this, not anymore

I will just sit here

In your cream sofa and watch.

and watch you

spread my chest out into a continent

and my heart, just giving away.

I stare at his face.

he is half asleep, next to me.

He opens his eyes.

“why?”

“nothing, “ I say.

We kiss.

me: I really like the way you kiss.

him: I like the way you kiss too.

  I Tried But These Chapters Are Confusing

him: I miss you. where’s my kiss?

I gave him a smack on his cheek.

me: where is my thank you?

him: can you buy me cigarettes?

me: go buy it yourself.

  one of the first chapters

him texting: hey wanna come over? I can cook.

him texting: I wanna see you again tomorrow. call me when you wake up.

We met.

him after we drank: are you okay to walk?

me: I like walking.

him: so what’s your story?

As for me, I grew up in a foster family, I travelled to

Blah blah blah

Blah blah blah

and then I fell in love with Palawan.

him while we were drinking: I knew this movie where the characters were given one week to find a mate and fall in love. If they didn’t, they would turn into animals.

They’ll turn into animals.

(Promise me you won’t fall in love with me.)

Turn into animals.

(later...)

me: Well, I like you.

and even if I fall,

I won’t chase you

I won’t chase you

I won’t.

  one of the last chapters

the girl messaging me: Who are you, are you his girlfriend?

her calling me: who are you?

she hangs up.

Me later:

Did he give you the Big Sur?

Did he give you my books?

My books: Franzen, Woody Allen, Kerouac.

Who are You?

Her: Who are you???

Who Am I?

Flashback:

him: wanna come over?

Wanna come over?

On one of my books I

wrote on the flyleaf:

“happy birthday Paul, let’s be friends”

her: Who are you?

  one of the first chapters

He was lying on his sofa under a cloud of cigarrete smoke

me: are you seeing someone?

him: no.

me: mmkay.

him: haha. and you believe that?

me: I don’t know

I didn’t care

At first.

  I Tried But These Chapters Are Confusing

After I cried over the movie we watched

Where he wiped my tears and kissed me

him: I have good taste in movies.

me: yeah you do

him texting: come over

me texting him: do you have movies? Food?

him: nah. 

come over.

me: I don’t wanna fuck and go.

Fuck and go

Fuck and go

Fuck and go

me wearing a dress: can I come in?

which do you want. my pussy or my mouth?

BOTH.

me confessing: I like you, I like you more than necessary.

him: you can still come over

Fuck and go

Fuck and go

Fuck and go

Should I stop seeing you?

It’s up to you.

him: did you miss me?

me: of course

him: fuck me

me: do I stand a chance?

him: just come over tomorrow morning okay?

me: just tell me already

(me: no, no, no, not yet do not end it yet. please let me see you)

Should I stop seeing you?

Fuck me.

(It’s up to you.)

his girlfriend: who are you?

me to him: we could have done so much better

  one of the first chapters

he hates churches

him while we’re having a drink: Religion is okay if it helps someone be a good person. But the wars that are fought?! No way. And how come Eve banged Adam and then Adam banged his daughter? And Eve fucked their son?

him to me: cum and I’ll bang you

him: no, I won't bang you. You're a good woman.

(For you, I'll be bad.)

him: do you smoke?

me: before. but it was never a habit.

Fast forward,

I am buying a pack of Marlboro Ice Blast.

me: (crying by the door ) Ang tanga tanga ko.

Crying in October 2017

Crying.

In April 2018, still crying.

  one of the last chapters

Have you ever cried in a room full of darkness?

Have you ever been killed 

by being near someone who makes

you feel alive?

Have you ever been screwed to your womb

and not feel you exist after?

Have you ever felt so angry that you could not get angry? 

Have you ever felt so special

but unseen

have you screamed never ending why's? 

  one of the last chapters

his girlfriend: Who are you?

who am I?

Me texting him: You act weird.

Who am I???

Fuck me.