Fuck Me (or how to tell a story in no particular order)
i. EPILOGUE
me: I want to know
a friend: you don’t have to know
me: I want to UNDERSTAND
friend: NO.
a friend: you don’t have to know
me: I want to UNDERSTAND
friend: NO.
bottomline teh,
tigilan mo na yan.
Tigilan mo na yan
Tigilan mo na yan
Tigilan mo na yan
one of the first chapters
he texted: I’m in
Batangas
he texted: I’ll be in
Cebu by then.
lying next to me he
said: Nasa Palawan ako nun
(other places)
Mount Banahaw (where he hiked)
Mountains
Lots of mountains
Jack Kerouac,
Jack Kerouac was talking about mountains (in his book “The Big Sur”)
one of the middle chapters
me: (typing a text to the girl) Did he give you The Big Sur and Freedom (by Jonathan Franzen) (those
were my books)
This text was never sent
Never sent.
he showed me two Enchanted Kingdom tickets
handed them to me excitedly, I didn’t know
why,
I put one in my bag.
thought it was for me.
Later he looked for it,
He was not giving it to me at all.
(tangina ka) jerk.
What were the first things he told me?
Prologue
(first things)
He asked, “Do you smoke?”
“Is it important for you to be right?”
“I don’t like love.
I would rather have romance,”
I say, “Love is gross, ”
he nods admiringly.
I was so proud of myself.
First chapter
Him: Promise me you
won’t fall in love with me.
Him: I hope you’re
bad…’cause if you’re good…
If I were good… what? You wouldn’t like me?
For you, I’ll be bad.
We talked about
college.
him: (scoffing) Who takes
up Nursing?! The word itself, nursing, UGGGH.
I should have stood up for this wonderful vocation.
But who takes up Nursing? (who wants to clean other people’s crap?)
a loser like me.
one of the middle chapters
me: ( lying next to him
feeling like I’ve swallowed a pillow as big as a broken heart) should I stop seeing you?
him: (annoyed) it’s up
to you (!)
Right. Of course.
It’s up to me.
one of the middle chapters
me: you should stop
smoking (TOO MUCH)
him: yeah, mom-
Sarcasm can happen
after the sweetest kiss.
one of the first chapters
me texting him: Do you
live alone?
he didn’t answer.
He asked me that question first.
Red flags.
but all I saw were light,
and smoke.
Betting on the way he snatched my coke away from my hand
“It tastes like crap”
It does.
I felt important.
one of the middle chapters
me: which do you want.
my pussy or my mouth?
him: BOTH.
Both.
selfish.
I do what he says.
one of the middle chapters
me: (sitting beside him) Do
you go hiking?
him: yeah
me: can I join
sometime?
Him:
No answer.
one of the middle chapters
he texted: can you do
me a favor? can you buy me cigarettes?
Can you buy me hotdog sandwich?
Can you buy me Walking Dead Season 5?
Can you get me some ice?
I bought all those.
(For you, I’ll be bad)
I texted him: pengeng
coffee?
him: come over already.
Couldn’t even offer coffee.
(tangina) jerk.
one of the middle chapters
me: Where did you
graduate?
him: San Beda
Later, I learned it’s FEU.
him talking about his
job: hindi naman ako nagko-calls eh, POC lang ako.
I was not even asking,
I did not care.
His insecurities were saying “hi,”.
We went out of the restaurant to the scorching sun.
I opened my umbrella,
“ANG INIT, “
him: malamang
Did not even hold the umbrella
did not even wait for me
I did not care.
(for you I’ll be bad)
Tanga.
Flashback:
He was lying on his sofa under a cloud of cigarrete smoke
him: Promise me you
won’t fall in love with me.
me: I like you
him: I do not like
myself.
He doesn’t like his AWESOME self?
I was surprised.
But it made sense.
Tanga.
one of the middle chapters
Take it off.
Take it off.
Take it off.
Make yourself cum.
I did not cum.
one of the middle chapters
him texting: come over,
bring a book.
me at his house: I
brought a book, I just don’t know if you will like it.
It was a day or two after his birthday.
me: (handing him “The Big
Sur”) Itago mo ah.
He looked insulted.
I sneaked a marker while he was asleep
wrote on the flyleaf:
“happy birthday, let’s be friends”
Then signed it with my name.
one of the middle chapters
The morning after…
him: (preparing food) you
drink tea, right?
The night before…
him showing me his
place: look here, do you want to play the keyboard?
him showing me his
underwater videos: can you spot the sea animal here?
him at the table
drinking: where is the moon?
him while we’re walking
to his house: actually, I like stars better.
The morning after…
him:( playing his guitar) This is my favorite Coldplay song
plays and sings
“Trouble”.
one of the middle chapters
Mahal na mahal kita,
him to Tori
Amos.
mahal na mahal kita
at least I heard his lips form these words.
even if they are not for me.
(Tanga.)
He plays Tori Amos, his guitar out of tune.
He mimics a concert announcer.
Like a child at play.
In black shirt.
A very happy child.
I cannot take this, not anymore
I will just sit here
In your cream sofa and watch.
and watch you
spread my chest out into a continent
and my heart, just giving away.
I stare at his face.
he is half asleep, next to me.
He opens his eyes.
“why?”
“nothing, “ I say.
We kiss.
me: I really like the
way you kiss.
him: I like the way you
kiss too.
I Tried But These Chapters Are Confusing
him: I miss you.
where’s my kiss?
I gave him a smack on his cheek.
me: where is my thank
you?
him: can you buy me
cigarettes?
me: go buy it yourself.
one of the first chapters
him texting: hey wanna
come over? I can cook.
him texting: I wanna
see you again tomorrow. call me when you wake up.
We met.
him after we drank: are
you okay to walk?
me: I like walking.
him: so what’s your
story?
As for me, I grew up in
a foster family, I travelled to
Blah blah blah
Blah blah blah
and then I fell in love
with Palawan.
him while we were
drinking: I knew this movie where the characters were given one week to find a
mate and fall in love. If they didn’t, they would turn into animals.
They’ll turn into animals.
(Promise me you won’t fall in love with me.)
Turn into animals.
(later...)
me: Well, I like you.
and even if I fall,
I won’t chase you
I won’t chase you
I won’t.
one of the last chapters
the girl messaging me:
Who are you, are you his girlfriend?
her calling me: who are
you?
she hangs up.
Me later:
Did he give you the Big Sur?
Did he give you my books?
My books: Franzen, Woody Allen, Kerouac.
Who are You?
Her: Who are you???
Who Am I?
Flashback:
him: wanna come over?
Wanna come over?
On one of my books I
wrote on the flyleaf:
“happy birthday Paul, let’s be friends”
her: Who are you?
one of the first chapters
He was lying on his sofa under a cloud of cigarrete smoke
me: are you seeing
someone?
him: no.
me: mmkay.
him: haha. and you
believe that?
me: I don’t know
I didn’t care
At first.
I Tried But These Chapters Are Confusing
After I cried over the movie we watched
Where he wiped my tears and kissed me
him: I have good taste
in movies.
me: yeah you do
him texting: come over
me texting him: do you
have movies? Food?
him: nah.
come over.
me: I don’t wanna fuck
and go.
Fuck and go
Fuck and go
Fuck and go
me wearing a dress: can
I come in?
which do you want. my pussy or my mouth?
BOTH.
me confessing: I like
you, I like you more than necessary.
him: you can still come
over
Fuck and go
Fuck and go
Fuck and go
Should I stop seeing
you?
It’s up to you.
him: did you miss me?
me: of course
him: fuck me
me: do I stand a chance?
him: just come over tomorrow morning okay?
me: just tell me already
(me: no, no, no, not yet do not end it yet. please let me see you)
Should I stop seeing you?
Fuck me.
(It’s up to you.)
his girlfriend: who are you?
me to him: we could have done so much better
one of the first chapters
he hates churches
him while we’re having a
drink: Religion is okay if it helps someone be a good person. But the wars that
are fought?! No way. And how come Eve banged Adam and then Adam banged his
daughter? And Eve fucked their son?
him to me: cum and I’ll bang you
him: no, I won't bang you. You're a good woman.
(For you, I'll be bad.)
him: do you smoke?
me: before. but it was never a habit.
Fast forward,
I am buying a pack of Marlboro Ice Blast.
me: (crying by the door
) Ang tanga tanga ko.
Crying in October 2017
Crying.
In April 2018, still crying.
one of the last chapters
Have you ever cried in a room full of darkness?
Have you ever been killed
by being near someone who makes
you feel alive?
Have you ever been screwed to your womb
and not feel you exist after?
Have you ever felt so angry that you could not get angry?
Have you ever felt so special
but unseen
have you screamed never ending why's?
one of the last chapters
his girlfriend: Who are
you?
who am I?
Me texting him: You act weird.
Who am I???
Fuck me.